Month: July 2016

The process of adjustment to your partner

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Researchers show that today the work experience is in the fifth place of importance for employment. Your education is in seventh place, and the first place is taking by the first impression that you make at the first meeting.

When you meet the person for the first time, 90% of the important information you’ll get in first 4 minutes of your communication. This is enough to understand whether you like this person or not.

That’s why the process of adjustment to your partner is critically important!

The process of adjustment to the partner provides 3 steps:

  1. Identification.It starts with the postures. Where you and your partner just meet and see each other for the first time. So pre-judgment will happen from the visual aids. Then, gestures. You will discover him/ her. You’ll probably shake hands or start moving around. Then, vocal variety. You will do some greetings and start to talk about something. And from that warm up, you’ll understand the preferred communication style for your partner.
  2. Collecting and discovering information.On that step, you become an active listener. It’s really up to you how fast you will go to the next step. Basically on this stage you collecting the image of your partner more and give him/her sense of importance. You look for the moment where your partner is absolutely relaxed and greedily talk about himself/herself or their experience about something.
    3. And finally the last step, the test of your adjustment. On this step you will understand, can you influence your partner at the moment? Can you lead him/her?

So, how will you know it?

  1. “Leading your partner”.This is the method of interaction when your partner is taking your side without resistance or criticism. This is a type of reaction when you want to switch his/her attention from the outside world to the inside.

What does that mean? If your partner reflecting YOUR body language, postures, gestures, speech patterns, he emphasizes his agreement with your behavior. And if he does that unconsciously, he would agree with your words eventually.
How will you do that? When you see that your partner absolutely relaxed and greedily talk about something when you feel the right moment, stop support his nonverbal communication. And do something different. Something your own. Watch for the following reaction. If he/she reflecting on you that mean you succeed. You get the right first impression and this is the best time to keep it, start building a new strong relationship, share your ideas or ask for some fevers.
If you are not sure, just repeat the process from step 2.

  1. “Hypnotize him”.Make your speech flow as water. Use transitional words such as “when”, “if”, “then” e. t. c. Make your voice smooth and easy. Breathe deep and make a tone of your voice a bit lower than usual. Just a little bit, nothing crazy. You should look calm and relaxed. Spread the nice energy. Use conjunctions. They will give your speech flexibility and will help slightly hypnotize your partner. When you don’t make sudden pauses between sentences your partner stop controlling your information and reduces his level of criticism. But don’t rush when you speak. And do not build your whole communication line on that tool. Use it only when you partner is absolutely relaxed and you have this quick time frame. Your voice should sound smooth and flowing. When you use this technique in a right way, it doesn’t really matter what you are saying. Your voice hypnotizes your partner and making him trust you.

The material has bee written for this course!

The rhythm of communication

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The ratio of speaking and keeping silence in our daily life is constant. This means that every day we need some time to talk and a certain amount of time to be silent.

This law works clearly enough for us. And we have to follow our natural or familiar to our own rhythms of communication – otherwise, we will start to feel anxiety, stress, and worsen mood and general health.

We actually can say that each of us has something like a counter in our brain that indicates the moment we over talked and need to be quiet, or if we are silent for too long and it’s time for us to join the conversation. It’s very important for us to have a balance between the moments we talk and being quiet.

If somebody around you over taught, you will see usually this person cutting off himself from communication for a while. To get this balance back. It happens because we need to feel psychological defense for ourselves (we get tired of communicating with other people, we need to follow and respond their behavior, we need time to process information, we need to answer their questions e. t. c.)

There are many professions that ruin the natural rhythm of communication. Such as teachers, leaders, journalists, doctors, lawyers, guides, sales managers, e. t. c. For leaders, communication takes up to 80% of their time. These people need a break from their communication routine by the end of the day to recover.

To make your partner feel comfortable and relaxed you want to find his/her unique rhythm of communication and follow it. On this case, this person will think that you are on the same wavelength with him/her. Listen when needed and talk when you are allowed and most likely your partner will feel extremely positive about you.

The material has been written for this course

Things that the good conversationalist do

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The good conversationalists are always:

 Know your name.  Psychological studies show that to call a person by the name is extremely important! The most pleasant combination of sounds for us it’s to hear when someone calls our name. By hearing our name we hear the confirmation that we exist and meaningful. And we  start to experience positive emotions and become more genial to the person who use this little trick.

“Bill, I heard you are very qualified on that topic, can you tell me what you think about …….?”

“Chris, could you do me a fever? Guys told me that you are one of the best who can fix…..?”

Follow the rhythm of communication. He listens when it’s needed and talk when you are allowing it. He is never interrupting you. The ratio of speaking and keeping silence in our daily life is constant. This means that every day we need some time to talk and a certain amount of time to be silent. This law works clearly enough for us.

Know what to say and use the right language. He thinks before he talks.  The good conversationalist is always clear and easy to understanding. He uses the right language and vocal variety. He always follows your reaction and gives you time to respond.

Mix open-ended and closed questions.  And they seek for the agreement from the other side.  They want to hear three or more “YES”. Studies show that when people say “YES” on a three following question, they tend to agree with a next question before you even ask. So there is a high possibility that next question they’ll ask, they’ll say “YES”. And be sure, they’ll ask you the right question.

Make you feel good about yourself. They will listen carefully and smile. They will show how impressed they are with you knowledge and experience about something. They will ask you a lot of questions. And they will use psychological stroking over and over so you will feel meaningful and important even after meeting.

And one little hint here.* little presents or souvenirs works great if you use it smartly. For example, if you go to a business meeting you can bring some samples of your brand, sort of gifts from your company.  Or you can show appreciation with buying coffee or tea after your meeting if the moment is required. If you work in sales you can give something for free. I had a great experience during shopping in one of my trips. The store I’ve been never given discounts or bonuses but they gave you some free goodies. And you can actually choose what you want. It was great!

 Keep things in its own places. Your space should stay untouchable. The good conversationalist knows that, If your door was open before the meeting, he/she will keep it open after they leave. They understand the importance of personal space and its harmony. So they will never play against this rule.

Psychological stroking

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Psychological stroking (don’t be confuse with this!) is an effective technique at any levels of communication.  This is an interaction with other people, where you give all of your attention to the partner. It’s when you gave signals to your partner that you recognize him/her as an individual.

Strokes can be a smile, compliment, support, affirmation words that can show the sense of the importance of your partner. This is not necessarily a physical contact between two people.

But don’t be confused with flattery.  Psychological stroking is one of our vital needs.  We need it as much as we need food, water, oxygen, and heat. It’s our thirst of incentive if you want our need for physical and mental stimulation.

Types of stroking: positive, negative, and internal (those you give to yourself as a reward for something or feel better), social (those we give to others). Physical (the actual physical contact), unconditional (you get it just the way you are) and contingencies (for doing or not doing something).

People get stroking from a lot of different ways. Someone get it from being hardworking and responsible employees. Someone fights for that with their mischievous behavior. Someone gets this type of attention from the way they look like, and someone just uses manipulations.

And those who don’t have it, or have very little become emotionally week and receptive to manipulation.

For our well-being, it is very important to be able to give, to receive, seek and reject (if it’s negative) strokes. It seems easy, but sometimes it takes a lot of efforts. People in general often prefer to give negative strokes (criticism), in other words, they say that they don’t like rather than things they like.

In conclusion: Give all of your attention to your partner.  Just listening and reflecting him/her is not enough. You really have to show your interest. Be generous on smiling and affirmation words. Support is critically important. All people have problems or buzzing thoughts. Just find what it is. Most of the times people will start to talk about it without even ask. That means that they very comfortable and trusting you. And you don’t have to run and solve their lifetime problems (of course, if you don’t want to). Show them your participation, your sympathy that will be enough. Problems and buzzing thoughts become less offensive when you retell it several times.

The material has been written for this course.

The importance of the positive experience

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Today I want to share with you one secret that made a lifetime changes for me. I got it from my coach. Several years ago, when I had sports training I’ve been a very insecure type of person. Moreover, I was very dispersed. I got inspired easily, but I had such a lack of determination to go through the whole process.

In fact, seeing the success of others didn’t bring me as much motivation, as it brings me an inferiority feeling. The idea of competition just terrified me. Why compete if I will lose anyway? Even the fact that my body physic was better and I were stronger. I spend hours and hours of training every day. I almost didn’t have rest days. And when I did, I felt guilty. And the more I trained the more unreliable and inferiority I felt. I didn’t even realize what kind of pressure I’m putting myself in with no reason. And no one told me that. Until him…

He starts to train me and on the second day he told me: “You don’t have a positive experience, don’t you?”
I didn’t understand him, “What do you mean?”
He: “When you never experienced something in your life, you don’t know that you can, deserve or able to win that.”
Me: “Yes, but I am trying so hard. I work every day to become better. I sweat, I got injuries, I risk!”
He: “No matter how hard you’ll work on that. Do you even win something before? Do you ever compete at this level for real?”
“No, I don’t…” – I was so upset. All trying for nothing. I was frustrated.
He: “Look I didn’t say that you can’t do it. I just said that you have a lack of positive experience. Fix that and you will be able to do a lot!” 

And then he told me about the positive experience approach in his training.

The idea of this approach is that no matter what you do, always complete it on a positive note. Seek for a happy ending whatever it sounds like 😉
The benefit of the positive experiences will appear only when your subconscious mind will be saturated with the positive memories from the past, which increases self-esteem and motivating for new achievements.

Efficiency terms:

  • follow the working/training system
  • availability information/resources and it’s feasible
  • constant work every day – just keep doing!
  • control and correction results
  • summary your personal qualities and identify your “cool” factor
  • the combination of individual, group and collective forms of efforts, and so on.

When your positive experience is strong enough you will remember it every time, when you will start something new. So you will reduce fear and pressure, and prejudgment from the beginning. And that means that the possible level of your success will increase in many times.

A human being with a strong positive experience is inherently more resistant to different types of failure and shocks in life, which can easily crush anyone, but not him!

Take care! And seek for a happy ending  in everything you do. Whatever it sounds like 😉

 

On the way to be free!

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Too high expectation about yourself or how your life should be like do nothing but prevent you from being happy.

You always say NO to something or someone new in your life if your past is still here. If subconsciously you are still holding it, by being undercover of the word – experience.

Set you free. On the way to perfection, we go through a lot. And completely forget about one little thing. When we are free we are capable to self-healing.

Look at people when they are under pressure. Or when they have stress. Depression. Anxiety. Do they have clarity in their situation? Do they able to look at their problems from the perspective of the other side? Do they know what to do?

How to get back the ability of self-healing?

A broken heart and a pain that we are experiencing from a lot of different situations in obtaining the life experience really make us closed and isolated from society. “I like him/her so much. I am afraid to do something wrong. What if something happens and he/she gonna hate me after?”

Don’t make your life even more complicated! You need to believe that being flexible is good for you. Be faithful to your ideals but don’t forget to smooth the corners. No ones are perfect! And life isn’t always about perfect moments and opportunities all the time. It’s not about being someone people want you to be 24/7. It’s insane.

  1. Get rid of your buzzing thoughts! Sports will help.
  2. Break any pressure. Sports will help.
  3. Treat yourself. Just because you are awesome! No need to find a super reason. Maybe  you are an amazing singer/artists/creator? Learn how to feel good by walking under the gray sky.

Always seek a balance between positive and negative experiences in your life. If the last week were tough for you, treat yourself to something good. It doesn’t always have to be something that solving your problems. Just seek for something that will make you feel better. A positive experience will make you stronger. And little by little, you will gain your freedom back.

Always keep you dignity and take care.

It’s all based on the first impression. Take a look.

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Have you ever been rejected by others? How many times you’ve been experienced refusal? How many of you have bad relationships with the family of your loved ones, just because you didn’t like them at the first sight?

It’s all based on the first impression. Take a look.

The first impression is an opinion about a human being, which is formed by your partner in the first minutes of your first meeting. It’s based on several characteristics: age, language, gender, physical appearance, accent, vocal variety, cultural stereotypes, race, posture and so on. The first impression is forming for a few seconds (from lots of recourses it’s 4 seconds if you are interested) and it’s fixing in the next minutes. It gives a further evaluation to your identity and activities you make.

You probably heard different points of view about the first impression. Some people would say that the first impression is never accurate and you need time to actually know somebody. Someone will tell you that your feelings about the person in the first few seconds when you just met him/her are true. And they all are gonna be right. Everybody is different some people are more open and receptive than others. And for some, the first impression is the actual profession, such as actors, TV hosts, sales managers, and others.

But here is the fact. American scientists made an experiment base on 3 stages.

  • On a first stage, they would ask people take a look at a picture of some random strangers and make a judgment about them. Give them a rate.
  • On a second, they would have to meet these people (from pictures) in person, spend some time together. And stay connected with them during 1 month.
  • And on the final stage, they would have to tell scientists what they actually feel about those people who they judged on the begging of their experiment. How accurate the first impression was and who are those people in real life.

It’s quite interesting but almost all first impressions which based on pictures of strangers were accurate to the impression when the experimental group met those strangers in person.

Now, let’s look at the factors that affecting your first impression:

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Physical appearance. We give beauty the force for good. We tend to think that all that is beautiful is often good and right for us. And beautiful people just can’t be harmful.

No wonder that media highlights a “special” physical appearance. Most of the TV stars and idols are all like the top of selection bias. Of course, it’s not always natural, but it works. You like them; you want to buy from them, you trying to copy their looks and behavior. You spend money on them!

In some countries, the question of how good looking you are may cost a new job with the bigger salary.

Most attention will attract the face. The face will be considered beautiful if it symmetrical and harmonic. An expressive face will get a lot of attention. Calm and positive mimic will be perceived positively and will help to build the right “mood” for the meeting.   And the posture. The man with a good posture will be perceived as a confident and optimistic. Slouch will signal that you are dependent, subordinated and insecure type of person.

How do you treat people? The great impact on the perception of the human will impose his positive attitude to the people. Ask yourself, why politicians on the eve of election campaigns so desperately creating the image of a “good Samaritan” who promises people to bring them into the bright future? If you want your partner to feel good about you, give the sense of importance. But don’t try too hard, otherwise, you will look nothing but like pleaser.

Speech and vocal variety. Even when you can’t see the other person you still able to create an image of him/her in your head. It happens because we associate the tone of the voice with certain characteristics of personality that individual. Our voice is reflecting all emotions and thought we have in mind. If you are upset, it’s quite difficult to sound happy, even if you are trying really hard.

Dress how you want to be addressed. The devil in details! Dress according to the place and case. You can’t look the same for the business event and for the meeting with your friends at the pub. You can, but the Devil in details. Even the little fact, that you wearing glasses, at work will have a positive impression. That will give you more serious and “smarter” look. It’s funny but a lot of people actually do that on purpose, just to get this type of impression.  But when you are in more chill and informal area you will look a little bit snobby.  I do wear glasses and trust me I’ve been told that I have to shut down my “teacher’s” look.  Try to avoid the status of wannabe, instead, just express your best sides. Also, avoid too strong smells (even if that is a very fancy perfume) and too bright makeup (if you are a girl, and again). Here is start working the law of criticism. The more you stand out from others, the more people are criticizing your actions. Be and look everything that the moment is required and you are gonna be fine.

Non-verbal communication. Follow the social rules of your cultural background. In some countries to avoid the eye contact will show that you are a slimy and rude type of person. But in other countries that may show the sense of respect to your peer. Same rules for body language and physical touch. Put your partner in the leading position and just lightly reflect his/her style of communication. 

Stay at your arm’s length. We all need personal space. We call it comfort zone, our personal safety bubble if you want. Don’t ruin this rule. Don’t be too close and too far from your partner until he/she let you.

Take care 😉

 The material has been written for this course.