Tag: ego-state

You are not ready yet!

When I was a little girl I had to go in two schools the same time. First one was my original public school and the second one is musical. While other kids were playing around and being social after their lessons, I studied. And I can’t complain about that because I grew pretty curious and energetic kid. But my mom was very busy with her work, so the best way was to keep me busy with something while she is not around.

I enjoyed my literature lessons, where we had role-reading in class. And I remember how our teacher brought a novel one day. It was “Perfumer: The Story of a Murderer” by Patrick Suskind. And she made an open reading with this book from our lesson. And for those of you who never heard about this story, the novel tells about identity problems, the morality of the human spirit and communication. It was brave! We were around thirteen or fourteen years old only. And she let us talk about such thinks, she starts to ask our opinions. Later she represents for us very unique writers such as Bernard Weber, Paulo Coelho, and many others.

Of course, we always follow the ‘must have’ school program. She was a great teacher. Everything she brought for us extra was up to her. She wants us to discover the world of literature not in limitation of a school program. She wants us to try something different, to see the different point of views, and not to be quite about big problems.
Also, I enjoyed music. And my very first instrument was a violin. First, few years were amazing. I’ve been so much curious about my little violin. But later I got bored and lost any interest. In fact, my fingertips on a left-hand start lose sensitivity. And I couldn’t play these endless gamuts anymore. But my mom said, ‘You have to finish what you started’. So I came to my teacher and ask, maybe we can have some fun in our lessons? Maybe we can learn some modern songs to play? But she gave me a straight heavy look and said, ‘You’re not ready yet.’ And I wasn’t ready even after 3 more years. My rating scale was pretty down. I start to find silly excuses not to go to my musical school at all.

My mom saw my struggle, so she got for me another teacher. I was really dawned that I just can’t get rid of this music. I was tired. Other kids are having fun, they play, they hanging out. And I am the geeky girl who must distinguish Rimsky-Korsakov from Rachmaninoff by listening short pieces of their music on sol-fa lessons.

But I got a new teacher. And I even got a new instrument – the piano! The endless hell of sol-fa wasn’t finished for me. But! My new teacher was pretty amazing. She had composer classes. And the best part of these classes is that you never do any mistakes. Bcoz you are the one who creates the music. So I did. She was very supportive. She never says that I am doing the wrong tune if my music sounds bad. She just said, ‘its sounds unfinished, so you have to develop it to something else. Play some more.’ Also, she had a daughter almost my age. And Sasha was like me, she plays violin and piano. So we start to create our music together. It was really a good time. That’s how I learn about Jazz and Blues and Soul music. And it stole my heart.

Later, when I start having my own students (any kind of age) I learned, that you can give somebody wings to fly and creates unforgettable memories. And those would be not only memories but opportunities, the new skills, the spirit.

This is not about being ready or not ready to the learn something. This is about how bad you want it? And how many times you’re ready to fail and start over? 

When the kid starts learning how to walk he never questioned, ‘I fail all the time… maybe it just not mine? Maybe I was born to crawl?’

Yes, we all need to be trained. We all need to be educated. Education is everything but you can kill it with the low level of engagement for your students.

Even now, when I am learning something new I always meet ‘the bad’ and ‘the good’ teacher. But if your teacher/mentor/business coach make an accent that you are not ready to try something new/to do something/to learn something – walk away!

The World is big. There are millions teachers and mentors who would love to show you “the world” 🙂 without cutting your self-esteem off. Just keep on search it!

Good luck!

P.S. I lil bit of bio as an example. Maybe someone had been experienced like that too? Please share with me your stories. Lots of love. Thanks!;)


If I can’t have it, neither can you!


Today I had pretty interesting phone call.  It was an international call with one of my peer. We talked about qualification, certifications, and many other random things. I shared with her my ideas about traveling, internships. And how is nowadays, to have an international real life experience, brings you move value as a specialist on a “market” than a bunch of diplomas on your wall.

I told her that is an amazing thing to have a cosmopolitan life and be able to meet new cultures, peers and exchange experiences. Try things you’ve never tried before! Come up with your own methods and techniques in your work!  Get new mentors! At the end of the day, you can see new opportunities for business if you are interested. Isn’t it’s great?

But she didn’t share my excitement. In fact, she told me that she is already reached her “higher level of self-development” as a specialist and she is able to teach everyone else. That to “go global” is a waste of time, extra stress, and a possibility gets diarrhea…

I didn’t start a fight with her. But it made me think. How many people around us just sitting on their buts to get their check paid? Seriously!  They don’t need anything! They don’t care how they are influencing your life. They don’t care will you get a real knowledge or not? Will you become someone and grow? Will you reach your dreams? They against every possible change, because being out of the comfort zone didn’t guarantee a paid check for them! After all, such people will use their best efforts to make you think that you are ” such a dreamer” (in the very best polite way).You know… I’ve been upset after talking to her, to be honest. But then I remember one story.

There is such a wonderful thing called the crab bucket theory which literally means a short-sighted way of thinking or myopic thinking.  In short, it says that the crabs are such a stupid animals that individually each of them could easily get out of the bucket. But when one of them is trying to get out, the others is clinging to his back and tightened him.

So as people, when you are trying to quit smoking and someone will say, “I tried  for a few days and it didn’t work. You are gonna fail too! Haha” and you’ll take it. And later will smoke without feeling of guilt…  It’s a crab bucket! When you are trying to follow a healthy diet someone will tell you, “Dude, it’s just a question of a time, you’ll still keep dream about it! Eat some donut! You’ll start your diet tomorrow. – yes, crab bucket!

Unfortunately, it’s a human nature… We can’t  do anything about it, except for one thing! We have to be stronger than the bucket and push forward, even when a hundred people are pulling you back!



Wide lens for your life


When you questioning yourself about life and how things should go in your life. Take a moment and ask yourself this…

What is your life about? Do you like an old man or like a young and full passion man?

What is worse, fall or never try

If life is too short, why do you do things that you don’t like? And why you almost don’t have time for something/someone you really love?

If you are allowed to change only one thing in the world, what would it be?

If happiness will be the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Do you do things for what you believe, or trying to believe in what you are doing?

If the average human life lasted 40 years, what would you change in your life, so you live it in the most exciting way?

What makes you worry the most: to make things right or do the right thing?

If you will have lunch with three people you respect and appreciate. And they will start to criticize your close friend, not knowing that you are friends with him. You know that this criticism is unfair and humiliating. What will you do?

If you could give to a kid only one piece of advice, what would you say?

Would you break the law in order to save a loved one?

What in this life do you differently than other people don’t? How do you different from others?

How is it that, that something that makes you happy, doesn’t make happy other people?

What do you really want to do, but never tried before? What is stopping you from that?

Why do you hold something for so long, when you know that it’s time to let go?

If you will have to move to another country, where would you move and why?

Why do you do it? Is it really what you want? Is that you?

What are you most thankful for?

What would you do if your greatest fear became real?

Do you remember how you were terribly upset 5 years ago? Does it matter now?

What is your happiest memory of childhood? What makes it so?

If not now, then when?

If you haven’t achieved something yet, what is missing in your action plan?

Why are the people who preach love, are causing so many aggression and violence?

Is it possible to be clear and straight about what is good and what is bad?

If you will get a million dollars now, would you quit your job?

Do you have the feeling that today is the day that you lived before? Dejavu?

When was the last time you started to be active about something and take actions on it?

If everyone you know will die tomorrow, who you will visit first?

Would you like to exchange the 10 years of your life to worldwide fame and awesome physical appearance?

What is the difference between  life and existence?

When it comes time to observe the risks and take actions why do you stop?

If we learn from our mistakes, why are we afraid to make them?

What would you do differently, if you will know that no one will blame and judge you for that?

When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? Your heartbeat?

What do you love? What do you do to express your love?

For each day of the past 5 years, will you be able to remember what did you do yesterday? The day before yesterday?

The decisions are taken here and now. Do you take it yourself or someone takes them for you?

Psychological stroking


Psychological stroking (don’t be confuse with this!) is an effective technique at any levels of communication.  This is an interaction with other people, where you give all of your attention to the partner. It’s when you gave signals to your partner that you recognize him/her as an individual.

Strokes can be a smile, compliment, support, affirmation words that can show the sense of the importance of your partner. This is not necessarily a physical contact between two people.

But don’t be confused with flattery.  Psychological stroking is one of our vital needs.  We need it as much as we need food, water, oxygen, and heat. It’s our thirst of incentive if you want our need for physical and mental stimulation.

Types of stroking: positive, negative, and internal (those you give to yourself as a reward for something or feel better), social (those we give to others). Physical (the actual physical contact), unconditional (you get it just the way you are) and contingencies (for doing or not doing something).

People get stroking from a lot of different ways. Someone get it from being hardworking and responsible employees. Someone fights for that with their mischievous behavior. Someone gets this type of attention from the way they look like, and someone just uses manipulations.

And those who don’t have it, or have very little become emotionally week and receptive to manipulation.

For our well-being, it is very important to be able to give, to receive, seek and reject (if it’s negative) strokes. It seems easy, but sometimes it takes a lot of efforts. People in general often prefer to give negative strokes (criticism), in other words, they say that they don’t like rather than things they like.

In conclusion: Give all of your attention to your partner.  Just listening and reflecting him/her is not enough. You really have to show your interest. Be generous on smiling and affirmation words. Support is critically important. All people have problems or buzzing thoughts. Just find what it is. Most of the times people will start to talk about it without even ask. That means that they very comfortable and trusting you. And you don’t have to run and solve their lifetime problems (of course, if you don’t want to). Show them your participation, your sympathy that will be enough. Problems and buzzing thoughts become less offensive when you retell it several times.

The material has been written for this course.

I can! I will! I always do!


He is rational and lives here and now regardless of the past. He relies on logic and common sense. This role may well characterize the word “can”.

Today we are talking about an adult ego-state.

Adult ego state is leading the process of collection and processing information and assesses the probability, which is the basis for action.

Basically, this is an adult who is within us and comes when we are engaged in any activity that requires us to analyze the situation and make decisions.  Adult decides what behavior is most appropriate in the circumstances. When is needed to reject stereotypes and when is needed to include some.

MD, Ph.D. psychologist, and psychotherapist Michael Litvak describes this ego-state as follows: “An adult needs for survival. The child wants adult – performs. Adult crossing the street climbs into the mountains; the impression produces food, building shelter, making clothes, etc. Adult monitors actions of parents and child. The mottos for an adult are appropriate and helpful. “

From the perspective of an adult we “play” roles of a neighbor, a random fellow traveler, an employee (in front of a tough boss) who knows his own worth, etc.

Professions: diagnostician, biologist, economist, analysts, scientist, teacher, doctor etc.

An adult ego-state is a kind of barrier between the ego-states of parent and a child. He takes over control for these two and starts to regulate their activity.

Solution: if you are into a relationship with this responsible and mature type of person congratulations! He/she knows the real name of things and not afraid to face reality. It’s a great indicator that your partner is self-sufficient and independent. He/she will take responsibility without even asking.

But even thou, this type of a person look the most reasonable from all three ago-states, you can meet some exclusions.

In our next blogs, we will see some type of infections and elimination in the personality of our partners.

To be continued…



Child illusion is snare and delusion.


The type #2: Child illusion is snare and delusion

This the second type of person who is living in the fantasy world.  His/her imagination is a reality. You can see complete denial and unwillingness to take responsibility in all its forms. This is an infantile people, childish, the people who look through rose-colored glasses.

As you already guess this is a Child ego-state type of person. He/she probably heard much time in their childhood something like this, ‘You are still young, stop that! You can’t do it without my help!’, ’It takes some risks, don’t do it! You are not ready for this yet!’

   Later it can grow up into a bigger picture like this:

You leaving a party and you see the group of people who is laughing out loud at something. The only one idea you will have, ‘They laughing at me’, ‘There is something wrong with me or maybe I look funny?’ The same moment subconsciously your brain plays the previous moment when you decide that you are an absolute loser. Insecurity, anxiety, fear, that’s all that you are going to feel in that moment.

   Promises have no power to a Child ego-state type of person. Cause promises come with responsibilities. The lie is giving them confidence. 

   Solution: if you are into a relationship with this type of person the best thing you can do is to help him/her gain experience. You can ask them to do something on their own by understanding responsibility through the new experience. But don’t turn it into strict instructions (at least if it’s not your employee and you are not him/her boss).  Don’t push too hard. Start with something easy. Be patient it may take some time. Don’t come up with a drama if you catch him/her in a lie.

The lie is giving them confidence. It always was. But don’t support it too. You can’t change anybody BUT you can make them want it. And when they will you’ll be there to help them.

To be continued…

Your destiny is determined by the choices you make. So chose now!


Your destiny is determined by the choices you make. So chose now!

Eric Berne (a Canadian-born psychiatrist) created the theory based on three ego-states of the individuals in interpersonal relationships. Which is involved the Parent, Adult, and the Child state? According to this theory when we communicate with someone we are always staying in one of these states.

We think that we can distinguish one ego-state from another. When you meet someone for the very first time how often you catch yourself on ideas like that: ‘He doesn’t act his age!’, or ‘She is so bossy!’, or ‘He is only eight but he is so mature! That’s amazing!’

But what happens if two ego-states were mixed in one person? Or if the man can’t in or out from a specific one? Let’s look at some examples.

The type #1: Preconception is conception

This is the type of people who usually use impersonal sentences when they talk about themselves.  For example, ‘Every bullet has its billet’, ’ Every solution breeds new problems’, ‘Money can’t buy a life! ‘

This person from the moment of birth took parental mottos for reality. Sometimes they do it because they think it’s cool and sometimes it’s just a pure mental attack. In other words, people who have the influence on you can suppress your voice of intelligence.

This is the type of people who stays in a Parent ego-state. They know everything better than others. They are always right. And you just can’t win from them! Because they know what’s better.

   Solution: if you are in a relationship with this type of person – the brainstorming sessions will be the best solution.  Turn it to a fun game. The science of humor will help a lot. Be patient. Start with something small. For this type of person, it’s critically important to learn how to delegate. To let someone else is deciding what to do. For the Parent ego-state people, the ability to ask a point of view from someone else is a must have!

To be continued…