Tag: family

Passionate heart and a cool mind

aa4ddfd4b5f6ea67163f0c2906d6f1f2 A passionate heart is great! No doubts, it’s always the best motivation in things you do and with people you love. If you living the life full of passion you living with the feelings that you able to move mountains. Every day is such a journey! Big passion creates big ambitions. It is killing your fear and letting you dare to meet challenges without hesitation.

But when your passion is leading you. When your emotions getting out of control, there is a big possibility to destroy your life.

Strive to balance – should become our life motto!

Look at people around you. They are living in status quo “not enough”… Not enough food, not enough money, not enough lovers, not enough fame/appreciation  e.t.c. They strive for excesses and don’t even think that they are walking a tightrope.

When your emotions are controlling your life you can’t have a sober view of things. And that means that you will probably become a hostage of your “dreams”.

It’s ok. We all have it once in a while. Our ego loves to play with us 🙂 Here are some tips that helping me to chill out and look at the situation with a different perspective. Hope you will find if helpful too 😉

  • No drama! Don’t overestimate the problem! Calm down and get yourself together. Soberly assess the situation. Follow your thoughts. See which way it goes and try to find at least more than 2 possible scenarios to your problem. Every problem has a solution! Tune in a positive way and you will feel much better. That will help you to win the time before you’ll actually do something about it. Do not panic!
  •  Create a calm space.  Try to get rid of all that the white noise around you (everything that can bother you and put you in a more frustration and stress). This may be a noisy place, emotional people around you, cell phone, tv and so on. Some people get more panic from the actual silence. If you want to think about your situation, analyze it and find a solution to it, create/find calm space for you. So nothing can bother.
  • You CAN control your emotions! Learn to control your emotions. No need to panic, screaming and fall into hysterics. Try to relax and breathe calmly. First of all take off your shoes and the belt (if you have it)! You need to stabilize your blood pressure and relax your muscles. Breathe deep and slow for a few minutes. Till you will feel that your heartbeat getting slower. Turn your focus to your right foot and focus on the way it feels. Then to the left foot. Relax your muscles and keep breathing. Slowly move up through your body. Keep breathing. In may took you 8-10 min. But you will feel better. You will be more stable and calm. You’ll succeed when you’ll try. That technique works with most of the people.

    Before you’ll share your problems with anyone (!)

    Independently think about your situation, weigh all the “pros and cons”. Think which way will help you to solve the problems as you consider in the most successful way? Don’t report to all the people around you about your current situation. Chill out and think over yourself first. And only then, if it’s necessary, share with others.

    Always listen to your inner voice! If you can’t hear it, train yourself. Spend more time with yourself. Meditate. And don’t be too hard on yourself. Sometimes all that we have to do, is just switch our attention to something else. And the solution will come.

    All the answers are withing us! It’s always better to have a passionate heart with a cool  mind. Then burning yourself from the inside 😉

Take care!

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I can! I will! I always do!

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He is rational and lives here and now regardless of the past. He relies on logic and common sense. This role may well characterize the word “can”.

Today we are talking about an adult ego-state.

Adult ego state is leading the process of collection and processing information and assesses the probability, which is the basis for action.

Basically, this is an adult who is within us and comes when we are engaged in any activity that requires us to analyze the situation and make decisions.  Adult decides what behavior is most appropriate in the circumstances. When is needed to reject stereotypes and when is needed to include some.

MD, Ph.D. psychologist, and psychotherapist Michael Litvak describes this ego-state as follows: “An adult needs for survival. The child wants adult – performs. Adult crossing the street climbs into the mountains; the impression produces food, building shelter, making clothes, etc. Adult monitors actions of parents and child. The mottos for an adult are appropriate and helpful. “

From the perspective of an adult we “play” roles of a neighbor, a random fellow traveler, an employee (in front of a tough boss) who knows his own worth, etc.

Professions: diagnostician, biologist, economist, analysts, scientist, teacher, doctor etc.

An adult ego-state is a kind of barrier between the ego-states of parent and a child. He takes over control for these two and starts to regulate their activity.

Solution: if you are into a relationship with this responsible and mature type of person congratulations! He/she knows the real name of things and not afraid to face reality. It’s a great indicator that your partner is self-sufficient and independent. He/she will take responsibility without even asking.

But even thou, this type of a person look the most reasonable from all three ago-states, you can meet some exclusions.

In our next blogs, we will see some type of infections and elimination in the personality of our partners.

To be continued…

 

 

Child illusion is snare and delusion.

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The type #2: Child illusion is snare and delusion

This the second type of person who is living in the fantasy world.  His/her imagination is a reality. You can see complete denial and unwillingness to take responsibility in all its forms. This is an infantile people, childish, the people who look through rose-colored glasses.

As you already guess this is a Child ego-state type of person. He/she probably heard much time in their childhood something like this, ‘You are still young, stop that! You can’t do it without my help!’, ’It takes some risks, don’t do it! You are not ready for this yet!’

   Later it can grow up into a bigger picture like this:

You leaving a party and you see the group of people who is laughing out loud at something. The only one idea you will have, ‘They laughing at me’, ‘There is something wrong with me or maybe I look funny?’ The same moment subconsciously your brain plays the previous moment when you decide that you are an absolute loser. Insecurity, anxiety, fear, that’s all that you are going to feel in that moment.

   Promises have no power to a Child ego-state type of person. Cause promises come with responsibilities. The lie is giving them confidence. 

   Solution: if you are into a relationship with this type of person the best thing you can do is to help him/her gain experience. You can ask them to do something on their own by understanding responsibility through the new experience. But don’t turn it into strict instructions (at least if it’s not your employee and you are not him/her boss).  Don’t push too hard. Start with something easy. Be patient it may take some time. Don’t come up with a drama if you catch him/her in a lie.

The lie is giving them confidence. It always was. But don’t support it too. You can’t change anybody BUT you can make them want it. And when they will you’ll be there to help them.

To be continued…

Your destiny is determined by the choices you make. So chose now!

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Your destiny is determined by the choices you make. So chose now!

Eric Berne (a Canadian-born psychiatrist) created the theory based on three ego-states of the individuals in interpersonal relationships. Which is involved the Parent, Adult, and the Child state? According to this theory when we communicate with someone we are always staying in one of these states.

We think that we can distinguish one ego-state from another. When you meet someone for the very first time how often you catch yourself on ideas like that: ‘He doesn’t act his age!’, or ‘She is so bossy!’, or ‘He is only eight but he is so mature! That’s amazing!’

But what happens if two ego-states were mixed in one person? Or if the man can’t in or out from a specific one? Let’s look at some examples.

The type #1: Preconception is conception

This is the type of people who usually use impersonal sentences when they talk about themselves.  For example, ‘Every bullet has its billet’, ’ Every solution breeds new problems’, ‘Money can’t buy a life! ‘

This person from the moment of birth took parental mottos for reality. Sometimes they do it because they think it’s cool and sometimes it’s just a pure mental attack. In other words, people who have the influence on you can suppress your voice of intelligence.

This is the type of people who stays in a Parent ego-state. They know everything better than others. They are always right. And you just can’t win from them! Because they know what’s better.

   Solution: if you are in a relationship with this type of person – the brainstorming sessions will be the best solution.  Turn it to a fun game. The science of humor will help a lot. Be patient. Start with something small. For this type of person, it’s critically important to learn how to delegate. To let someone else is deciding what to do. For the Parent ego-state people, the ability to ask a point of view from someone else is a must have!

To be continued…

 

 

Your relationship healthy if…

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Your relationship healthy if you can answer the following questions.

Before you make a serious commitment to be happy ever after ask each other these questions!

  1. Did I become a better person after meeting him/her?
  2. Can I be really me?
  3. Are we sharing the same values?
  4. Do I learn something with him/her? Am I grow with my partner?
  5. Do I get support and understanding?
  6. Did she/he inspire me on achieving something? Did she/he inspire me on reaching my dreams?
  7. Do we dream and planning together our future?

And here are some key points to make each other’s life easier  😉

Seek for a feedback. Sometimes we want to help so hard and be such a good person, that we don’t even pay attention to feelings of our partner. Just simply ask once in a while – “Was this day good for you? Did you enjoy? Were you interested?” No matter if you are traveling together or simply do something, always ask for a feedback.

Forgive unperfectness. He/she is not from your fantasies. These are real people. They don’t have to be exactly like you imagine. They have their own feelings! Forgive them moments of being sad or week. Don’t judge and don’t push them harder that they can handle. After their failure such words as – “Next time you’ll do better! I believe in you!” will put them in a bigger pressure than they are. It won’t help at all. Respect their feelings.

Don’t think he/she can read you. If you have something in mind – TELL THEM! Be sincere and clear. Help your partner to understand you better.

Improve yourself. Just be better. Yes, you are an amazing, beautiful, and smart person just the way you are… but  it’s always the room to work with.